Update...

So, I haven't really been updating this much because not much is going on in my life right now. I've been dealing with migraine almost daily now and that doesn't mesh with getting on the computer. Light is bad!

The rest of my pain has been worse, too. It's really making my life suck more than it normally does.

Yesterday, I finally felt good enough to head to Borders to pick up a few books to keep me entertained when I don't have a migraine. I also decided that I need some more clothes. I've been joking that I need to get some mumus since I rarely leave the house anymore.

While browsing Borders, I kept noticing the same guy over and over. I didn't think anything of it. We ended up in the sci-fi aisle together and he says, "Um, hi...you look interesting. What do you think I should get?" I was thinking "if he thinks jeans, Pirates shirt & ratty Converse are interesting, he might not get out much." I asked what he usually goes for and he seemed clueless. Maybe he's never struck up a conversation in the book store, so I recommended a few things & continued my browsing. I picked up 2 books & a few cheap DVDs and headed to pay. He gets in line behind me and awkwardly tries to strike up a conversation again by showing me his selections, two of which I had recommended. When it's my turn to pay, he asks me not to leave after I'm done. When he finished, he asked if I'd like to get some coffee. Sure...I had nothing better to do and he seemed OK.

While he was paying for the coffee, I sat down and pulled up my preset message "hey, call me with a fake emergency." I also have one for when were out and I can't get away from an overly persistant suitor, "SOS, HELP!!!" I've found it's easier to have them pre-set so I can send for help faster.

I didn't need it. He started to relax after chatting for a bit. It was pretty obvivous that he's not used to walking up to people to strike up conversation. We chatted for just over an hour and I realized that I should be getting home. We exchanged phone numbers and IM info and I headed out. It turns out he works with my cousin's husband at Carnegie Mellon, so on the way home, I called her to see if he was an OK guy. She confirmed that he was, just really, really shy.

Dad and I sat down to watch the game and after, I got a text from Borders guy inviting me to Sunday's Pirates game. I accepted and we agreed to meet at PNC.

One thing I really appreciated was the agreeing to meet me at a neutral location. I've had bad situations in the past and I don't like being "trapped" at the mercy of someone else. Until I get to know someone, I prefer to meet them somewhere.

The game was frustrating...a few bad calls and we lost. We had good seats though. It was fun. He seemed to relax even more while we were there. We're going to meet up sometime during the week, depending on how I'm feeling.

Rambling & some minor weirdness...

I got a call from my friend, Elle, who was hoping to stop by on the way up to Buffalo since we haven't hung out since I left Virginia. Pittsburgh is on the way and only 3 or 4 hours from Buffalo. We went out to eat and caught up. It was a nice diversion from my usual, nothing. She's always driven through Pittsburgh or past it on the way to Buffalo and never really stopped, so she got to see some sights.

I decided to take advantage of some of the holiday sales this weekend while I was out. First stop, my local comic shop, where I picked up Darwyn Cooke's Parker The Hunter. I also hit Borders & Marshall's.

Marshall's is always hit or miss with me. I did find that they have Marilyn Monroe Intimates there! I've seen them online and really like the designs, but was unsure. When someone puts a name like that on them, quality can be questionable. I have to say, this is not the case this time! My only complaint is that they don't make the bras in my size. I'm a DDD and it doesn't seem that they make them that big. The designs are cute and they seem to be made well. I've been looking online to see if I can find them anywhere, but so far, it's just eBay. I'll probably check a few other stores to see what they have since the prices are so good at Marshall's. They also had Converse sneakers in a few colors for $25 & tons of Hello Kitty!

I decided to stop into Starbucks for a Frappachino since they make them w/ soy now and while waiting, I think this guy was trying to hit on me. I really couldn't tell...He wasn't rude, just clueless. He kept tell me that he saw me come in. Yeah, OK...that Starbucks isn't that big and it's all glass on the front, so I'm sure a few people saw me come in. I got my drink and left and he was still staring. Whatever...

Sunday, dad and I headed to PNC. Sunday's are kid's days and they have special giveaways just for kids. My dad and I went though separate lines and he somehow convinced the guy in his line that he needed the Parrot toy for his kid. My dad is in his 60's and might have been more convincing if he said "grandkid." While standing in line for food, he kept terrorizing me with it, putting it on my shoulder while I ordered and putting it in my face while making parrot noises.

It was hot and I was glad our seats were in the shade. It was a good game, too. We thought it would be another loss, but they managed to come from behind to win, which was great.

We came home and watched Wonder Woman on DVD. The 70's TV show w/ Lynda Carter. Dad & I used to watch it together when I was little. That's how we spend our 4th, baseball & Wonder Woman. :)

I went to get something out of my bag and found a note in there; "You're cute, call me!" with a phone number. I don't remember anyone that was sitting around us or anyone near my bag. It was on the back of a receipt from PNC, so I know it happened there. Maybe it was when I had it on the seat next to me, but I don't remember seeing anyone my age around. I was paying attention to the game and the stuffed parrot that was in my face.

Part of me wants to know who it was, but it would be stupid for me to actually call the number. I just think it's odd. I did make sure nothing was taken out of my bag.

Maybe I should get one of my male friends to call it, just for fun. ;)

Geekery...

I'm a comic book geek.

One thing that I can't stand is a lot of other female comic fans. There are some cool ones that I get along great with, but I run in to two of the most annoying kinds: the "please pay attention to me in my slutty costume" girls & the feminists.

I have some semi-feminist leanings, but it mostly relates to my hatred of girls that have to be slutty for attention or being told I can't do something because I'm a girl. I'm aware that there are things I cannot do because my body wasn't designed for it (not counting the EDS).

I've been looking around for some new series to read since most of mine have been cancelled and I stumbled across a girl's blog about comics. She's a self-proclaimed feminist, but she makes NO sense...

Example: Her complaint about these pictures is that these are unrealistic costumes.

Catwoman can't possibly jump around in this with the zipper down because her boobs would cause problems.

Yes, but she can zip it up. She's covered otherwise. Maybe she's hot?

Supergirl shouldn't wear a skirt! She flies! Pervs will look up! Cropped shirt & boobs!!!

She's wearing something like lollies under the skirt. It's no different than the ones that wear the onsie style suits, just no skirt. Recently they've started making the lollies more like shorts. Honestly, I'm not a fan of Supergirl at all, but it's obvious that she's not just wearing underwear under the skirt. As for the boobs, just be glad they're not hanging out under the shirt.

I agree to an extent regarding the boob issue. Many artists tend to make them ginormous in the most bizarre way. I usually make fun of them and walk away since they've obviously never seen real boobs in their life.

Oddly enough, this girl has no issues with these pictures:

How are these not considered not realistic? No amount of tape could hold either on in a fight! It's all skin with cloth censor bars! Is it so ridiculous that it's OK?

I'm normally not preachy like this, but I don't understand the way people think sometimes. I do get tired of seeing tons of boobage in comics or at conventions. I make fun of those people, loudly. A few years ago, I informed a girl that she should retire her Power Girl costume as her boobs resembled deflated balloons and she did not fill out her costume properly.

Power Girl is busty:

A deflated balloon

Another thing we can't stand are booth girls. These are "models" (really strippers w/ the afternoon off) who are brought in to attract attention to a table. Sometimes they're dressed as a character, but most of the time they look like strippers who got lost and ended up at a comic con. Much to our delight, this practice seems to be going away. It only works for a minute until the guys talking to them realize that they know nothing about the comic they're calling attention to or anything else.

My friends and I really aren't as bad as I make it sound. This is over the course of several years and only when we feel they deserve it. If someone just has a bad costume, we usually keep our comments to ourselves.

Despite being distracted by the confusing feminist comic fan, I found a few things that I'm going to try to locate tomorrow:

i Zombie

Parker, The Hunter

I'm more of a mainstream DC/Marvel fan, but I love Darwyn Cooke's artwork. He didn't do the artwork inside i Zombie. It's also not available in trade, but I'm hoping to find #1 with the alternate cover to hold me over until the trade is available in March.

Mope...

I haven't posted in a few weeks. Not much has been going on. We've had some terrible weather here...bad storms, tornado warnings, etc. My friend in Ohio told me that they sounded the tornado sirens and she had to get her dogs into the basement. They had funnel clouds, but they never touched down.

My health situation is somewhat worse. My knee dislocated itself...I have tendinitis in my Achilles tendons, my thumb is dislocated again and this morning, I woke up to find my ankle is swollen. It feels kind of hot, but it doesn't really hurt unless I'm driving. Icing isn't doing anything. Dad keeps pointing out my "horrible cankle" like I'm a low budget freak from a Z-movie.

Dad wants me to go to the doctor, but I'm fed up with dealing with them right now. I'm tired of spending $25 at my GP for them to send me to a specialist to spent $50 for them to tell me I need to take some anti-inflammatories, ice it and go back to PT, which costs me $50 2 to 3 times a week.

No.

I've had a few negative doctor appointments lately. My hand/wrist doctor doesn't know how to fix my problem and he's suggested that I get a second opinion. He doesn't want to do surgery and cause more problems and he's not as familiar with EDS as he'd like. I'd rather he admit that he's not comfortable with fixing it instead of paying for a surgery and having it worse off than it is.

My knee doctor kind of rubbed me the wrong way. First, he has this yes-man come in and chat. He's a fellowship guy or intern or something. He sounded fake, but I don't have to hang out with him. He pokes, prods, twists & bends my knee around and runs to get the regular doctor. He does the same thing only now it hurts more since it's super irritated. "Oh, it's dislocated." Did he pop it back in? No. Just wrote me a freaking script for more PT. "I can't really afford that now. Can I do exercises at home?" "No, you really need to be in PT so they can keep an eye on you." My other doctor told me that my meniscus was almost gone, too. I asked about that and he claimed there was nothing wrong with it. He fixed it a few years ago and it was fine for a while.

The only plus of this visit was they left my file open on the computer. Almost every EDS peep I know complains that they feel their doctors think they're making it up. I feel the same way, so I went through my records. All of my specialists work for the same group, so everything was there. I read through and there is no mention of me being crazy and making stuff up. What I did see was the same thing over and over, "Too young to have these problems." "The problems she's experiencing are disturbing."

One one hand, I'm glad they don't think I'm a hypochondriac, but now I'm depressed. I'm tired of dealing with doctors that "don't know what to do with me" and I'm sick of hearing "you're too young for these problems." No kidding!

Now I have this funky ankle problem. I didn't sprain it. I don't have any sort of insect bite. I want it to just stop. I don't need another problem like this now. I just don't want to deal with it.
While watching the Pirates game, dad noticed it was still puffy and started poking it. The back of it is bruised. "I thought you said it didn't hurt?" Well, it bothered me a little when driving, but it didn't feel bruised then. He informs me that if it's not better by Monday, I will be going to the doctor, whether I want to or not.

We're going to a Pirates game on Sunday, so maybe that will distract me from my problems for a few hours. Dad got the padded seats behind the dugout. They have more comfortable seats, but we're not paying $140 for a ticket. The only problem is we'll probably end up on camera. I'm a messy eater and they tend to have the camera in my direction while I'm cramming a pierogi in my mouth. Hello single men of Pittsburgh! Ha!

Mission Accomplished!

After going to 3 clubs, we found our moron...

We sat down with her group and explained that her parents were worried, etc and her response was to lunge at Betty Ann. The hit the floor & I tried to pull them apart but ended up messing up my hand & wrist. Lauri's husband, Joe, gets them apart and Lauri runs to go pay the tab while we drag moron girl out.

Outside, Lauri tells us that she's been staying with them and told us that she told them that she had been thrown out and completely cut off. She thought something was off since almost everyone knows that moron exaggerates, but figured that she needed a few days to cool off and didn't mind letting her stay there, as long as it's only for a few days. We exchange numbers and Betty Ann and I decided to head to Eat N Park.

I didn't notice how much my wrist hurt until I got in the car. When we got to Eat N Park, we checked our injuries and the waitress brought me ice in a Ziploc bag since my wrist was purple and starting to swell up. BA has a lovely bruise on her dupa from where she hit the floor and one on her arm from smacking it on the booth she was knocked off of.

We were out late, but woke up early this morning to go over to Mr. & Mrs. P's house and let them know that moron was OK and staying with a couple we knew. We left out the tackling incident. They were relieved and Mrs. P made us a huge breakfast as thanks. We were stuffed and waddled back to my house, took a nap and have been watching bad movies all day.

I left a message for my doctor's office and I'll be going in to have my wrist checked. BA heard it pop loudly and said it wasn't one of my normal EDS pops. I'm worried that one of the bones is broken because I have a cyst in one of them. My thumb is also dislocated because of the swelling. That has happened before.

Drama...

After much nagging from drunk, immature "disability" scene girl, I agreed to grab some lunch with her. I'm lucky that I live within walking distance to some really good, family run restaurants. The only disadvantage is that you have to walk uphill coming back after you're full.

The conversation isn't bad at first, but then she starts complaining about how her mom yells at her for what she's wearing and various other things that you'd hear from a 14 year-old.

I could only take so much of this. I would be more understanding if she was truly disabled. Her parents are. Her father was injured in Vietnam and her mother has some heart problems. They're very nice people. I agree with them. She doesn't help them with the household bills and when they ask her to help out, she refuses. She's moved out a few times, but it never lasts.

My attempts at helping her find a solution keep getting shot down. She can't wait for her parents to die so she can have the house to herself. I tell her she sounds like a teenager and it's fine to have fun, but she needs to find something to do to get her out of the house or just find a roommate and move out. They're around each other too much. You don't make a lot being on disability, but I'm sure she could rent a room or find some one to room with.

She gets mad at me and storms out, in tears, without paying for her food.

The owner comes over and I ask for the check. She only brings me the check for my food. I tell her that I'll cover her food as well, but she insists. She's going to make her pay for it the next time she sees her. I left her a huge tip to make up for it.

That was a few days ago.

Today, her mother stopped by to ask if I had seen her. She went out the other night and didn't come home. She's contacted the police, hospitals and is very worried. I tell her what happened when we went to lunch and that I haven't seen her since.

Mr. & Mrs. P have been our neighbors for a very long time. They're good people and I'm pretty sure she's just "run away," just like a 14 year old, and is probably at some one's house. I've checked her MySpace & Facebook to see if she's posted anything. Nothing. I start sending emails to a few people & start making calls. Two people saw her the night we had lunch.

Now I'm waiting for Betty Ann to pick me up so we can go to a few of her known hang-outs. I haven't heard back from everyone I called and I'm hoping someone knows who she's staying with. I just want to tell Mr. & Mrs. P that she's OK and just being a brat, then suggest they change the locks. She should have left them a note saying she was going to stay with someone for a few days.

Me time

As I've mentioned before, I've been staying with my parents. It doesn't make sense to pay for an apartment when I'm on the road so much. Now that I've been home for a while, I'm really missing my "me" time.

My parents are pretty easy going and they do their own thing, but a girl needs time to herself. Plus I feel like a mooch. I'm not paying rent, but I do pick up food and help out by doing what I can around the house.

Today I thought I'd have most of the day to myself. My parents went to go visit someone and weren't supposed to be home until 5 or 6. I ran a few errands and was looking forward to doing some embroidery, dying my hair and having a me day.

I get home, put things away, sit down & start transfering one of the designs to a bandana I picked up. The Pirates game was getting ready to start and I hear a knock at the door.

This girl I know from "the scene" is on the other side. She lives nearby and I don't really like her very much, but the fact that she lives so close, I try to be civil. She doesn't work & goes out every night and gets stupid drunk. She's on disability, though she shouldn't be. I'm worse off than she is and I still work. Fat & lazy shouldn't count...She gets so drunk that she ends up hurting herself and the rest of us have to pay for her numerous sprains & breaks. She brags about it too, which is really what bugs me. I've hung out with her enough to know she's full of it.

Anyhoo...She wants to come in and hang out. She "saw me come home" and didn't see my parent's car, we should, like totally hang out!

I try to tell her that I don't feel like it, but she walks over, picks up my embroidery stuff and changes the channel on the TV and starts telling me how she broke her wrist (drunk and falling down the stairs of a parking deck).

So annoyed. I didn't drive by her house, so how did she seem me come home? Was she hiding in the neighbor's bushes? I'm also wigged out by the way she mentioned my parents not being home...It made me feel like I was 15 and wanted to sneak my boyfriend in the house.

I told her that my parents would be home soon and reiterated that I wasn't feeling well and I just wanted to watch the Pirates game and work on my bandanna. I also pointed out that we were under severe weather warning and I didn't want to venture out. The threat of rain got rid of her. She threw my stuff down on the table and rushed out. Lucky me, she managed to somehow get the thread knotted up. One skein of it is beyond saving...I don't know how she managed to do that.

Embroidery is easy and after working on it for a bit, I got bored. So far, I have a Sacred Heart theme going on with it. I'm going to add some stars on the tips so when I tie it, I have two stars on the tied bits. I'm not happy with one of the hearts, so I'll probably redo it. My camera battery died and I'm charging it, so I'll post pics later.

I need more hobbies...

Once again, I'm trying to find a new, inexpensive hobby. I used to be a photographer, but that's not cheap at all. I don't have a digital SLR, and I don't want to use my point & shoot.

I did crochet for a while, but I made a lot of things that were useless. I have a shelf full of funny little crochet cupcakes, ninjas and zombies. It's a good, cheap hobby. My friends told me I should sell some online, but I got a lot of the patterns from other people and I don't feel it's right to sell something made from someone else's pattern. The drawback is it kills my hands & if I do it for too long, I feel dizzy and have to lay down.

I was on 8 Ball Webstore & they have embroidery patterns from Sublime Stitching.

For months I've been wanting to pick up one of their patterns. They have so many that I'm drooling over.

I think I'm going to order the Ultimate kit. It has everything I'd need to get started and I can get the apron and that gives me the apron I've been wanting!

My concern is how hard is this going to be on my hands? Will it be better than crochet? Do I want to spend $32 if it turns out I can't do it? I looked up the costs of the things that come in the kit and it's a good price. It would be great if I could do it. I could decorate my own cardigans instead of handing over $50+ just because it has sparrows or guns stitched on it.

It really angers me that I can't just pick something up and do it. I actually have to think about whether doing this will cause my hands to ache and fingers to dislocate before I put any money into it. The SCC is supposed to have the kits or patterns, so I may sneak over there tomorrow.

Road Trip!

I'm getting bored not being able to work. From what Elle has been telling me, I'm not missing much. I was watching "The Hucksters" and that didn't help me not miss work. The client in that movie is awful, but work would at least help me have something to do. It would be a nice distraction.

I have felt terrible for the last 2 days. The pain has been awful, then you add stomach issues and a migraine and you have a lot of fun. I can't go anywhere because I can't be away that long.

Being stuck in the house makes me want to get out of it even more. I found a neat place that I'd like to go to on a road trip. The Caribbean Motel in NJ. I found the link on a retro lighting website.

Here's the small write up on their site:

First opened to vacationers in 1957 at the height of the Wildwoods' "Doo Wop" heyday, the Caribbean Motel was among the most daring, imaginative structures to be built in the resort during that era of post-World War II optimism and leisure when everyone had one eye on the future (a better future, of course), and the other on exotic vacation destinations in far-away lands (at least the way they'd seen in the movies).

The Caribbean rolled both of those fascinations into one with a motel that sported ultra-modern architectural elements like a futuristic "levitating" ramp, canted glass walls, and recessed "spaceship" lights along with "exotic" tropical landscaping and theming including the very first plastic palm trees to be "planted" in the Wildwoods, giving vacationers the feeling of being in a far-away tropical paradise while only a short drive from home on the Jersey Shore.

Today, the fully restored, renovated and re-invented Caribbean Motel stands as a living monument to this magical era in our nation's history - a taste of pure Americana, you might say, with a 21st-century tropical twist! Modern amenities like flat-screen TVs and free wireless internet combine with classically restored and reproduced mid-century furnishings and ambiance to create one of the most unique vacation experiences at the shore!

I just need to find someone to take with me.

I used to go on road trips all of the time. My friends and I would go through the Roadside America book to find fun/weird places to check out. When I travel for work, I try to do the same. Pennsylvania is full of fun things like that. Virginia was not.

I also found this link: http://retroroadmap.com/ The woman that writes the blog lives in PA and has featured many places here. I'm using her site as well as Roadside America to plot out my trip to the Caribbean. I'm trying to decide when I should go and who I should invite. Two of my friends have just started new jobs and they probably can't take a few days off just yet.

Hmmm...

Antique store finds!

It's been a bad week. I ran out of meds because my prescription was written for the wrong thing and they're slow to get me a new one. I don't have withdrawal effects, just massive amounts of pain. The bad weather hasn't been helping either. It's rainy and it's not helping my mood.

Friday I got a call from a friend suggesting we go check out a few antique stores and have a girly day.

The first place we went to was awful. The woman working there stalked us like we were going to steal or break everything. We left and went to another place. The second store was one that had several booths in an old grocery store. I've usually had really good luck at this place. The only problem I have with it is there are too many booth with crafts.

As soon as we walked in, I spotted a train case for $5! I pounced on it. The tray is missing, but I don't really care. I can either find one or make something myself. The man working at the shop told me I could leave it in the front so I wouldn't have to carry it around. We were rummaging through a table full of costume jewelry and the man came over to tell me one of the locks was broken. I got it to close and the man made a joke about his manliness. I wear braces on my hands because my thumbs don't work, so it was even funnier that I got it closed.

I found a necklace that I kind of liked, but didn't get. After a few hours of wandering, I just didn't like it as much. I was tired, sore and hungry. S found a teapot and I had my train case and a hair bow. We got some noodles for lunch and went to her house so we could look online to see how much our stuff would be elsewhere. Her $6 teapot is Noritake from the 60's and apparently hard to find. We debated putting it up on eBay.

My train case isn't as valuable, but $5 is still much cheaper than I could find it online. They're usually $20 or more, not including shipping. There are a few scrapes, but they're minor. There aren't any funky stains inside at all. I cleaned it up after I took pictures. There is a tad bit of rust on one of the hinges, but I've gotten most of it off. I'd like to get keys for it, too.

Here it is:

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter by Seth Grahame-Smith (Pride & Prejudice & Zombies)

I was so excited for this book to come out! I thought the idea was great and the trailer was a lot of fun. The trailer is here.

The book is written using excerpts of Lincoln's private journals that were said to be lost. The Introduction explains how these came into the hands of the author.
One thing that I was concerned with was how much time would be spent on Lincoln's political career and thankfully, it was brief. Politics bore me, so I was happy to not have a detailed description of campaigning, etc.

It starts with Lincoln's childhood, his family life and his first encounter with a vampire. From this point on he swears he will hunt down every vampire and kill them. His first attempt is successful, but the second does not go as easily as he planned. He is rescued by a man named Henry, who nurses him back to health and teaches him about vampires and better methods of eliminating them.

Lincoln continues to work hard during the day and at night, he hunts.

The author does a good job of adding the vampire hunting aspect of his life to facts, but changing a few things to fit. People in his life will die from vampire attacks instead of tuberculosis. It's done very well.

I'm not sure how much Southerners would enjoy this. It's written from a Northern perspective and the Confederates are in league with the vampires. I know some people take that pretty seriously down there and probably wouldn't appreciate themselves being portrayed as traitors to the human race.

There is a minor amount of gore, which is to be expected when killing anything, but it's not overdone or overly detailed. It's a very fast read (I got through it in 3 days) and doesn't have any points that drag. There are some photographs included that have been Photoshopped to fit with the vampire theme and they add to the fun.

I have a tendency to get excited about things and be let down by them, but this did not let me down at all. I enjoyed it just as much as I hoped and highly recommend it.

Queen Victoria: Demon Hunter

Queen Victoria: Demon Hunter by A. E. Moorat

I wasn’t so sure about this book when I picked it up. Since PPZ & S&S&SM came out, there have been numerous other titles jumping on the bandwagon. I found it for $2 and snatched it up.

One thing to think about when reading this is the author was able to take more liberties with the story than with the PPZ. It is a fictitious “what if” story. Don’t go in expecting classic writing with zombies or sea monsters carefully woven in. The writing style is modern. There are a few instances where foul language was inserted, which makes me wonder why they felt the need to use it at all. I don’t get offended by that sort of thing, but it could have been left out and no one would be the wiser. In one instance, I could see what he was going for, but it still seemed out of place.

I did enjoy this book quite a bit. It was fun and a quick read. It was perfect to bring to work and read on a lunch break and I found myself getting sucked in and kept reading until I had exceeded my lunch hour. Ooops!

I did have my doubts when I read the first few chapters. One of the main characters, Quimby, is bringing people together for an orgy and is discussing the new process of photography with someone who has come to show him the new process. They are interrupted by zombies that begin feasting on the prostitutes and Quimby’s servant, Perkins. The photographer takes a picture of the grisly scene and later attempts to blackmail Quimby, who has resurrected Perkins with a potion so he may resume serving him. Perkins complains of being hungry after his resurrection and is allowed to eat Quimby’s dog.

This is what put me off a bit. I did not want to read about the escapades of a pervert. I'm also a dog lover and don't even like fictional harm to come to fictional dogs.

The story then goes to introduce Maggie Brown (Protektorate of the Queen), Victoria, her mother, Conroy (her mothers partner) & the Prime Minister. The King dies and Victoria becomes the Queen. Maggie rushes to her to protect her from demonic forces. The two battle a succubus in Victoria’s room and the two are introduced. The fight scene allows them to give a glimpse of Victoria’s fighting instinct that she will use later in the book. Maggie addresses Victoria as “Your majesty” and this is how Victoria discovers she is Queen.

The chapters alternate between the various characters’ storylines. There seems to be quite a few characters, but they do serve a purpose & it comes together toward the end.

I was expecting more demon hunting action on the part of Queen Victoria, but she only engages in battling demons for one reason. I won't give it away. The demons are plotting to take over England.

There is a bit of gore in the book, so if you are squeamish, you might want to take a pass on this one. The concern I had in regards to Quimby ended up being unfounded. He is smarmy and will occationally mention a past conquest, but it is not detailed.

I don't want to give away too much of the story line. I do recommend this if you enjoyed Pride & Prejudice & Zombies & Sense & Sensibility & Sea Monsters. It's a fast and fun read and I enjoyed it quite a bit.

Medical freak out...

Another week of doctor's visits and I'm in the middle of a medical freak out.

I had some bloodwork and the standard tests taken on Monday. No big deal. Yesterday, I had lunch with friends, ran some errands and got home around 7. I didn't notice that I had a missed call on my phone from my doctor's office.

They left me a message saying they found something on my tests. One thing was a bladder infection, which is odd because I don't have symptoms.

What has me worried is they said they found somthing else and they need to talk to me as soon as possible. The tone of her voice was very worried and urgent sounding. There was much emphasis on "else." Now I have to sit here wondering what it could be. I have no idea and I'm trying not to freak out, but it doesn't help that they sounded so worried on the phone.

I left them a voice mail and will just have to wait...I didn't mention anything to my parents about it. I don't know what it is and don't want to worry them if it's nothing.

I HATE this! What could they find that was so awful? It's obviously not ER bad, so what the hell is wrong with me this time???

Nothing to do except wait until Monday and try to keep my mind occupied.

Other than that, this week has been decent. I did have something odd happen when I waiting for my friends for lunch...

While sitting at the table, a man came up to me and asked "would you like to buy a puppy?" Um? What? "I have 2 puppies, would you like to buy one?" I really can't. He leaves, but returns a few minutes later to show me a picture of the pups. I tell him that I travel a lot for work and can't get a dog. I'm trying to be polite, but I think it's weird and I'm getting the feeling he's going to get pushy. He walks away again and my friends arrive.

I was telling them about the puppy guy and I looked around and he vanished. Who tries to sell puppies like that? Did he think I looked trustworthy or like I had money?

Back to watching my Pirates lose and the end of the Penguins game. Thursday night the hockey game went into 3 overtime periods and this one looks to be going into OT as well.

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari is on It's Alive Show tonight and I'm pretty excited about that. I haven't seen it in a while.

Weekly update...

I was hoping things would be a little more relaxing this week, but I was wrong. A majority of the week was spent in doctors offices, both mine and my father's. His treatments aren't working, I may need another surgery. My pain levels are still up and I've had a migraine almost all week.

We did go to the Pirates home opener and they won. It was a nice day and it was packed. I didn't get the giant pretzel they're selling now. The line was really long, so I'll get one next time. I thought about going to another afternoon game, but it was supposed to rain, so I stayed at home.

That was the highlight of my week. It has been a down week for me. I decided I needed some retail therapy so I ordered a few things from Pin Up Girl Clothing. They're doing Bombshell Blowout sale weekends and I picked up a few tops. They were out of the skirt and two other shirts that I've been eyeing, but the one top I got, I've been wanting for a while. I shouldn't have spent any money, but sometimes you just have to. I spent about $35 and got 2 shirts and some lip gloss.

I really wanted this but I didn't feel like spending $36 on it. Maybe it will go on sale soon.

I was good and talked myself out of the Barbie Loves Stila 1959 bucket. I really only want the lipstick and wouldn't wear it because it's not a long wear lipstick.

I really don't feel better, but I can obsess over waiting for my package and once it gets here, I can get dressed up and go sip some coffee and read and be seen. I don't know why I do that, it's cliche. I'm not a club/bar person though. Maybe I'll go to the casino this time?

COPING WITH CHRONIC ILLNESS

This was sent to me by a friend last week. Please pass it along!

(http://www.alpineguild.com/COPING%20WITH%20CHRONIC%20ILLNESS.html)
COPING WITH CHRONIC ILLNESS

(This is adapted from the book After The Diagnosis by Dr. JoAnn LeMaistre.
Copyright Ó 1985, 1993, and 1999 by JoAnn LeMaistre.)

JoAnn Le Maistre received her Ph.D. in clinical psychology, delivered a daughter, and learned she had multiple sclerosis all within the period of a few months. Dr. LeMaistre has developed a successful practice counseling patients and their families. She is a sought-after speaker, lecturer, and teacher. Her books, After The Diagnosis, and the hardbound edition, Beyond Rage, have helped thousands of chronic illness patients, their families, and health care providers to cope effectively. Her daughter has now graduated from college. And Dr. LeMaistre has learned to live a full life, in spite of the handicaps of her MS. She is an inspirational example of what it means to be able-hearted when you can no longer be able-bodied.


Traditionally, the experience of serious illness has been approached in two ways: (1) a gloomy perspective of resignation, self-denial, and helplessness, or (2) a Pollyanna approach that denies altogether that there has been a real trauma. Both of these perspectives distort and disguise the reality of chronic illness.

The first perspective views the chronically ill person as a failure. This is the patient who does not respond to the "miracle" of modern medicine, and somehow the lack of recovery is often perceived as the patient's fault. This attitude of blame accounts for some of the worst psychological abuses of patients by health practitioners and caretakers, an attitude typified by the too-frequently heard statement, "Stop complaining. You simply must adjust." Unfortunately, the sick person may also adopt this punishing attitude toward himself or herself. Sadly, the word "adjust" too often means "resign," "settle for less than a desirable existence," and "surrender." At its worst, "adjust" is just another way of saying "You are now a nonperson without the right to experience strong passions, desires, or fierce and unyielding hope." All the anger and blame inherent in this attitude is misdirected: the patient rather than the disease becomes the target.
The Pollyanna approach is typified by -- and fueled by -- personal stories or testimonials of complete recovery from extreme illness or disabling conditions. These stories tug at the heartstrings and catch the fancy of all who read them. Besides creating false hope by overplaying the likelihood of complete recovery, these stories consistently underplay the sadness and feelings of worthlessness that are part of the legacy of any physical or emotional trauma.
Sometimes, it is useful in social situations to present yourself as a Pollyanna. When meeting new people and situations, it may be an advantage for you to let others think you have mastered your disease. The anxiety of other people is reduced by not having to confront illness. The danger is that this Pollyanna image may create a barrier between you and the people who can offer real help.

The resignation viewpoint holds little hope; the Pollyanna viewpoint holds little reality.
The approach I propose took shape as my own understanding developed. My experience as a patient, observer, and psychotherapist has allowed me to see the many ways in which people creatively adapt and use their individual internal powers of wholeness (the sense of being emotionally intact) to reduce the destructive effects of severe physical limitations and accompanying depression, rage, and fear. The wellness approach I present stresses both the subjective experiences of loss and your responsibility for looking outward to reestablish quality in your life.

Central to wellness is the concept of adaptation -- the flexible, creative use of resources to maximize your choices and experiences of mastery. This is the key to creating and sustaining a sense of inner tranquility in the face of difficult realities. There is no need to deny grim facts of existence or to pretend to others that all is well when inside there is little except torment. To be psychologically well while physically sick involves the belief that your personal worth transcends physical limitations; you need positive self-esteem for true adaptation. This belief in your self-worth rarely emerges until what you have lost and grieved for stands second in importance to precious moments of inner peace and joy.

Each stage in the progress toward wellness involves loss, grief, and acknowledgment of internal pain. During difficult times, emotional pain can engulf your life. All sense of time and proportion fade. The scope and intensity of the psychological pain fluctuates day to day. At times, it carries you closer to invaluable inner resources. At times, like a dangerous undertow, this pain drags you far from your recognizable self. It may seem that you have no reason for living or that you are living only to experience pain. Even so, the reason for living is life. The incentive for becoming psychologically well is the potential for the future.

Illness is an emotionally as well as physically depriving experience. It can do lasting harm by threatening a person's sense of well-being, competence, and feelings of productivity. At their worst, emotional reactions to illness may culminate in the feeling that life is meaningless. I do not share this belief; but I recognize how stress can make you feel this way.

Illness is a process, and like all processes it has different stages with different characteristics. We will discuss the stages below. The stages can occur in varying orders; often they are repeated. If a sick person lacks emotional support or a necessary feistiness, the process can stagnate, and one may be mired in one or another phase of the emotional transitions taking place. The emotional process begun by illness is a highly varied and individual one. Not everyone gets bogged down. Not everyone experiences all the stages discussed in the following sections. The stages are not part of a once-through program, but are repeated as symptoms recur or losses come about.
The level of adaptation is an upward spiral in which coping mechanisms, learned one at a time, can be combined with strategies learned at other times to make each bout of illness less emotionally upheaving.

How people react to chronic illness depends on many conditions. Three deserve note. The first is the severity of the illness. The very sick must put all their energy into healing and may not have the luxury of energy left over for emotional growth.

The second is the social support available. If you are willing to ask for help and you have a wide support network, you'll have an easier time than if you are isolated.

The third condition is the preillness personality of the person. If you have always been pretty resilient, you are likely to have resilience in coping with the illness.

The emotional trauma of chronic physical illness is caused by loss of a valued level of functioning, such as the ability to drive or dance, for example. The chronically ill person not only suffers the loss of immediate competency but is deprived of an expectable future. No one's future is ever guaranteed, but most people become accustomed to looking at the odds; if I invest my energies in a particular direction, I can be reasonably certain I'll reach a desired goal in that direction. When illness intervenes, all past efforts may seem irrelevant -- and in fact they may be.

In the face of such losses, to experience fear, anger, depression, and anxiety is normal. It would be abnormal to deny that your health and your life had changed for the worse. Serious emotional difficulties are more often the lot of people who do not acknowledge the emotional stress they feel and thereby bottle up depression or anxiety until these feelings are so powerful they break through their defenses. By the time an emotion becomes this powerful, it is much more difficult to survive its impact without severe scarring.

Is there anything that can help overcome the displacement and depression caused by physical loss and the loss of goals and dreams? I think the answer is an unqualified YES!

Goal-oriented striving, any experience of mastery, any outside acknowledgment of competence, a well-tuned sense of humor, any experience of joy, and the constant striving toward an inner state of tranquility are the aids that help overcome the displacement and depression of chronic physical illness.

These aids are of critical importance in the stages of the ongoing emotional process. I identify these stages as crisis, isolation, anger, reconstruction, intermittent depression, and renewal.
These are good summary categories for the whirl of emotions triggered by illness and we will take up each stage in turn, although in the course of an individual illness they may not always proceed in this order.

CRISIS
In the crisis stage, the patient is seriously ill and very frightened. Both psychologically and physically he or she has a decreased ability to respond to others. The sick person's energies are directed inward toward healing, and controlling panic. The patient is often too sick to even be frightened. Events are often confused. Time is distorted. Disorientation is common. At these times we fall back on our innate biological ability to heal. The support network, on the other hand, is feeling a highly stressful increase in anxiety, especially as it must carry the full responsibility for arranging for medical care, covering finances, and seeing that children's lives, if children are involved, can go on with a minimum of disruption. The family's anxiety can be energizing. The family may feel a need, sometimes an obligation, to be highly supportive of the patient.

By and large, everyone responds well in a crisis. Everyone knows the patient is terribly ill. And they respond. Unfortunately, those most affected by the patient's illness do not always receive the support and help they need at this time.

Friends sometimes respond by showering the sick person with cards, flowers, and get-well-soon wishes. Unfortunately, much of this is misdirected. The very ill person often cannot appreciate these signs of concern and affection. Patients often feel burdened by all the thank-you notes they cannot send. Friends can often do more by helping the family and other members of the support network to deal with the medical system, the incoming phone calls, and to give direct support when it becomes clear that the idea of "get well soon" has no relevance to chronic illness.

During the crisis stage almost all of the patient's energy and attention are focused on responding to the physical onslaught of the illness. Surviving is the primary concern.

In addition, the patient and the family must cope with the fear of an unknown and unknowable future. It is all too clear that the comfortable patterns of the past have been shattered. It is not clear at all what may lie ahead.

ISOLATION
In time, the acute nature of the illness may abate. But total recovery does not occur, and the illness persists. There is a dawning awareness of everyone's part that the situation has become a chronic one. There will be no full recovery. There is so much uncertainty about the future that the patient may not be able to sleep at night and may seem restless and distracted during the day. The lack of an expectable future constitutes a major assault on one's self-image.

The patient's anxiety often produces a stiffness or frozenness in dealings with others and oneself. There is a belief, usually partially justified, that no one can understand the devastation of the losses. Isolation most troubles patients who have been the most independent.

The family has often exhausted itself during the acute crisis stage. Family members may become aware that they are angry, fearful, and disgusted about the sick member's situation. Both patient and family members retreat into themselves and their thoughts, now haunted by the knowledge that life may never be the same.

Friends also tend to give out at this point -- the idea of chronic illness is really terrifying to most people. After an initial burst of energy, some friends may find it too overwhelming a personal struggle to continue having contact with either patient or family. Some patients have been devastated by an apparent lack of concern shown by people for whom they care. I say apparent because often failure to contact the patient means that friends may care but don't know how to act.

This leads to a thorny question. How comfortable are you in asking for help? What does it mean to you to have to ask for help?

These questions begin to surface during the isolation stage, but actually they are part of everyday living for most chronically ill people. To feel really comfortable allowing others to help you is an art that must be learned and practiced. It is difficult to understand that relying on other people when it is necessary does not indicate weakness or failure. One of the emotional barriers to asking for help is a strong feeling of guilt about having a disease that makes one need help. During the isolation stage, patients look inward and experience many negative feelings about themselves.

In the isolation stage open communications are vital. Blame must not play a part. Talking about feelings is very important. Communication and sharing are ways to break the isolation.

ANGER
The sick person has been suffering severe upset, terror, anxiety, and helplessness. Add to this the sense of injustice, unfairness, and senselessness of being struck down by a disease, and the result may be a rage reaction of tremendous proportions. Often the target of this rage is the patient himself or herself. The ultimate, most dangerous, expression of this rage at self is suicide. The commonly experienced feelings of despair may result in contemplation of suicide.

There are two reasons why the patient targets himself or herself for these feelings of anger and despair. First, it is almost impossible to be furious with fate; there is no external opponent. In order to provide some meaning for what has happened, many people irrationally conclude they have bought disease on themselves by being faulty or wicked in some way. It is difficult to keep clear that it is the disease that introduced the disruption into one's life.

Another reason for suicidal thoughts is that illness breeds a sense of helplessness. The chronic disease cannot be wished away. The disabilities are there to struggle with every day, and the threat of a major recurrence or increase in symptoms may be a constant anxiety tucked away not far from consciousness. With the feeling that the underlying problem cannot be solved and the belief that it is the patient's fault, many patients suffer intense unhappiness. Sadly, the patient's feeling of self-blame is greatly reinforced by society. Often families are unable to help because they are angry at the patient. The changes in their life style are directly attributed to the patient and not to the patient's illness. Even supposedly neutral medical personnel may be furious with the patient for having a chronic condition they cannot cure. This anger directed at the patient from all sides is psychologically understandable but it is very destructive.

The flirtation with suicide, the patient's worst hazard of the anger stage, is a statement of the extent of one's rage with oneself and with those one cares about.

Another serious problem of the anger stage is the strain on the family. Families who fare better during this stage understand that the sick person is not the same entity as the disease and they see that the whole family is in this predicament together and are committed to coming out of it as well as possible. Family members need to devise ways to nurture and adequately support each other in order to cope with both the anxiety and the practical life changes accompanying chronic illness.

Anger is the stage most hazardous to your emotional well-being. It is also where most people get trapped. Fear and anger are disruptive emotions egendered by a sense of loss of control. Take back control in small steps. The basic reasons for the anger, in most cases cannot be avoided. It does no good to assign blame. The response must become task-oriented. "Today I will walk the length of my room, or call a friend, or answer one inquiry." Striving toward a goal, even in small doses, is an antidote to anger. Patients, family, friends, and helpers should all focus on the strengths that remain, on the accomplishments that can still be achieved. This basic rule is a key to dealing with anger.

RECONSTRUCTION
The sick person may now be feeling much stronger physically or may have had enough time to begin mastering new living skills. Important decisions or new social contacts may be in the picture. What is common is a growing sense of safety based on new competencies. Moods are happier and the difficulties seem a bit further away. The sick person is learning the possibilities and limits of the new competencies. Friends are selected on how well they react to the fact of illness. The family establishes new routines -- or it dissolves.

What exactly has been reconstructed? Certainly it is not life like it was before. Instead, it is a reconstruction of the sense of oneself as a cohesive, intact entity. The reconstruction takes on many concrete aspects, such as the development of new skills, but the most important value is emotional. When a customary pattern of living has been shattered by illness, the patient fears that he or she is longer recognizable as a whole being. It is the reemergence of a positive self-image that constitutes reconstruction.

Often people do well for a few weeks and then are devastated by some incident. But each experience with trusting and succeeding is a building block for the next step of reconstruction.

INTERMITTENT DEPRESSION
Now that everything is looking brighter, everyone is tempted to relax and may, therefore, be caught off guard when a significant depression recurs. The elation associated with new skills can give way to new feelings of despair as the patient recalls how much simpler it was to do routine things the old, preillness way. Nostalgia and grief may combine to produce sadness and discouragement.

Many people know exactly when they expect to hit these rough spots. Medical appointments and anniversaries are notable examples. Seeing a doctor, who confirms your intuition that your condition is not improving or is worse, often leads to depression. So may the third anniversary of having to give up the car, the first anniversary of a divorce, the time of the year the physical problems first occurred -- the list is endless. It may be best to seek counseling during these difficult times as a way of shortening their duration and providing new understanding of what all the feelings of loss are attached to. New understanding brings new resilience; it does not make the losses go away.

Intermittent depressions seem to combine two feelings. One is the awareness of loss of function that occurs several times a day in the course of ordinary living. But clearly, an amputee does not become depressed each time there is a reminder of the inability to walk normally. There is a second element involved. If the awareness of loss arouses a distinct image of what life would be like if the amputation had not occurred, and if this fantasy has strong emotional meaning for the person, depression is very likely. This image of how you would be without the illness I call the phantom psyche.

The phantom psyche is usually not far from consciousness. It is the self-punishing mechanism whereby the chronically ill person continually erodes his or her own self of self-worth and competence. "If only I didn't have this arthritis [or whatever illness] I could still be mountain-climbing [or whatever activity]." "If only" statements are the bread and butter of the phantom psyche. They contain harsh judgments of worthlessness. In a happier mood, you might experience the same feeling of loss, but say to yourself, "I really miss mountain climbing, but at least I can take a walk today."

When the phantom stalks, the soul is uneasy. Doctors and friends often mistake the desperate pain of knowing one's hopeful fantasies will not be realized for self-pity. "Just stop feeling sorry for yourself" so completely misses the point that it is tragic. It is very difficult to have a sense of self when you're depressed and are afraid that you'll never again be of value to yourself and others.

Self-esteem increases proportionately to successful experiences of independence and purpose, whether the success is remembering what time to take a certain medication or walking better after months of physical therapy. The phantom psyche -- those unrealistic expectations you have for yourself -- cannot compete with the heady gratification of hard-won success. If family, friends, and medical personnel can appreciate the triumph in being able to struggle, you feel even more triumphant. Well-wishers too often make the mistake of praising a sick person for progress without acknowledging how difficult is the ongoing battle against the inertia of chronic disease.

We all have periods when we feel overmatched and not up to the struggle. But as long as we pay attention to the struggle, we will get through the day. We flounder when we set unrealistic standards, or cannot grieve for what has been lost, or cannot start each day afresh. Depression can be tackled despite the physical complications that try to drag us down.

RENEWAL
The losses, and the sadness they cause, never go away entirely. There is a sense of lingering regret for all the capacities that have been lost. A person who has mastered the technique of using a wheelchair can feel very proud of this achievement and know full well that this device is essential for retaining an active life. But the person does not have to like it.

It is not necessary to like or to resign yourself to the compromises you need to make to get on with living. It is only necessary to acknowledge that changes in life style and skills have to be made. Acknowledging that your skills are different from your preillness days is not the same as "adjusting" to illness. There is no surrender involved, only growth -- the creation of new options through new means.

The creation of renewal comes from the experiences that teach us not to waste the present on fearing the future.

The truly handicapped of the world are those who suffer from emotional limitations that make it impossible to use the capacities and controls they possess. If you have a chronic disease, you need not be emotionally handicapped if you continually strive to be able-hearted. Able-heartedness is within the grasp of all of us. I don't think of able-heartedness as a permanent, static state, however. Developing and maintaining this quality is a process that ebbs and flows, depending on how helpless you feel. Even if you feel in the grip of hopelessness, you are behaving in an able-hearted way by any expression of interest in another. Shared interest and compassion is what establishes meaning and purpose in life.

When you feel discouraged, you feel all alone -- and there is some truth to this feeling. But in many important ways you are not alone. There are hundreds of people in your city who have similar feelings at times. If disturbing thoughts wake you in the night, know there are other struggling with their pain. No one can share your unique experience, but there is kinship and a strength among all of us who are no longer able-bodied.

There are some positive coping skills that are required by unavoidable health changes. These are summarized below.

Make Your Expectations Realistic
The most important aspect of making expectations realistic is the recognition that they are time-limited. "What can I do now on the basis of the way I feel at this moment?" If you have two minutes, what are you going to do? I counsel people to check with themselves to find out what they want to do. Illness can make you feel that you must surrender all goals, all wishes. But that is not necessary.

Make your expectations run like this. "Within the limits of my physical ability I will do whatever it is I want to do for as long as I can."

Approach Problems Actively
A second essential skill is an active approach to problems. What is an active approach? It consists of defining the problem and determining the outcome you want. It involves trying to ensure that any energy expended constitutes a step toward the solution. Rarely does it constitute the complete solution. The admission "I cannot do something" is often the first step in solving a problem realistically.

Define what you want and then use every ounce of creativity you possess to determine how you are going to make it happen. Creativity is not impaired by illness. When you define the problem you figure out how many facets there are to achieving some kind of resolution, and then you expect yourself to make only that part of the effort that is realistic. What this means is that you need a broader sense of community. There are going to be a number of things you cannot do alone. Your dreams do not have to change. How they are realized will probably change. The creative, flexible use of your energies and creativity to get as much satisfaction as possible is your mission.

Seek Appropriate Help
The next skill to learn is to ask for appropriate help. It is not a moral weakness to ask for assistance, but many can probably recognize the tendency to regard asking for help as shameful. It is a limitation if one does not know how to determine whether or not assistance makes sense. It is a limitation if one is harsh or angry with the helper. Asking for help can become a more and more graceful skill. It is certainly not the first choice for people who would rather do everything themselves, but it should be your choice if you are going to pursue what you need and want -- when you cannot do it alone.

If you have a hard time asking for help, consider what you would do if you were fully able-bodied and a friend of yours had your particular problem to solve. What would you do? Do you see yourself denying help as you gear others might deny you? Would you be upset if your friend asked for the specific help that was required? Chances are you would feel fine about helping out if you could. You would just do it. Try to be as kind to yourself as you would be to another when it comes to asking for help.

Handle Your Anger
The next skill involves learning how to become emotionally efficient and energy conscious. Energy is a tremendous problem for those with chronic illness. There is none to waste. Some of the most wasteful expenditures of energy are for resentment and anger. These emotions are not bad in themselves, but they do wear you out.

If you are angry, it helps to have some consciousness of what you are angry about, and whether you want to angry about that. Sometimes you will want to be angry because that is the appropriate response. Sometimes you will want to be angry because it is more efficient to be openly angry than to deal with bitterness or other forms of calcified anger. The better you get at being direct about anger early, the more energy you save and the more efficient you are. Surprisingly, many people do not know how to recognize their own irritation or anger. If you are feeling irritated, it might be helpful to be assertive, even if in the short run you feel uncomfortable.

Participate
Another skill that is especially restorative for those with illness is to put positive energy back into the world. You can do this with family, friends, with self-help groups connected with your illness, or with community groups. Put your talents, your compassion, your knowledge, and your experience out there in a way that can benefit others. Be a good friend to yourself and don't overlook your finer qualities.

If asking for help is a skill you possess, then there is even more constructive energy available to invest in the world around you. Obviously, one of the things illness can do is to constrict your social world. Sometimes, this leads to the perception that there is nothing you can do for others. That is just flat-out wrong. If you have exhausted your own resources in looking for ways to participate, you can call organizations that are concerned with your illness, like the Arthritis Foundation or the National Multiple Sclerosis Society, as well as other national and local self-help and research organizations. They can offer suggestions, and may have specific ways that you can help them. People volunteer because it feels good.

Live In The Present
Another skill, that is a challenge to learn, is to look neither too far backward or too far forward. If you are only looking backward, you are giving up on yourself emotionally. Your losses are major issues, but losses do not get people through one day at a time or one day after another. Losses are not a good reason for living. If you use all your emotional energy considering how things were before the illness and comparing it to how things are now, you are being very self-punishing. If you sense this going on, you need to be extremely aggressive about rejecting this.
Illness does not diminish one's humanity. Mobility and physical comfort decrease with illness. Fear and worry increase. But illness does not diminish humanity. Be humane to yourself. Avoid dwelling on how good things were I the past compared to now. Also avoid distant future fantasies. There is no way to know what will happen some years hence. And you know, there never has been a way to know the future. If you are not stuck in the past or tormented by distant future images of what should be, you have the opportunity to manage this day with awareness. Living in the moment with consciousness, patience, compassion, and appreciation for yourself and others lets you get on in a creative way, in spite of the pain of your losses.

Cherish The Good Times
The last skill I would commend to you is to pay attention to the positives. This can only be done if you have already mastered the skill of living fully in the present moment. You go through every twenty-four hours with enough of yourself available to the world that when something positive happens you let it in. There was a rainbow yesterday. There may have been an interesting interaction between you and the grocery clerk, or you had a close, warm exchange with someone you care about. These are the kind of positive moments I mean.

These are moments that need to be framed and stored to be used on days that are much harder. If we are in a quagmire of negative emotion, we can turn anything into proof that there are only painful things in the world. This final skill is learning how to hold onto the positives, to cherish them sufficiently that they do not drop out of your repertory of significant life events.

Once you notice the positives, how do hold on to them? The best way is to slow down -- to use relaxation, meditation, and your own internal capacity for joy to feel that moment inside. Let it resonate within. This allows your emotional commitment to be fully focused on the process of life. Be as emotionally able-hearted as possible, despite physical limitations.

What all these coping skills have in common is that they are daily necessities. You don't just get them down pat once and then forget about them. You need to use these skills frequently. Every day is going to give you something different to try to manage. You need these well-practiced skills to succeed.

The circumstances you face may at times be miserable. Nothing can alter this reality. Trust that you will learn from each stage and from each cycle through the stages. Learn to trust others enough so that when the situation seems unbearably stressful, outside counseling and psychotherapy can be sought. Renewal cannot always be attained without help.

If these ideas have reached you at any level, you have already begun the process of renewal. You are adapting in the face of great difficulties. There is no right way to come through the ravages of unavoidable health changes. But I have tried to show you ways to remain an active agent in your own life.

You are not alone. None of us is alone. We may not know each other yet, but there are kindred spirits. A single treasured personal relationship makes the path bearable.

I wish you a safe and thoughtful journey on what is truly a road of hope. I travel it with you. You have a companion and you have hope.

The pain continues...

The follow up appt was OK. He spoke with my doctor at home and I need to go see him next week. I'm at home now. I'm running out of time off from work, but if the pain doesn't subside any, I may need short-term disability. I'll worry about that later. I did go back to work Thursday. The pain was awful. I took my maximum on my pain meds and it didn't help. Elle and HR lady helped me to my car. Once I got home and laid down for a bit, I felt better.

We were off today & I was already planning to go home this weekend for Easter and to go to the Pirates home opener on Monday. I'll just be staying longer now. I stopped on the way to pick up the hat I saw at Target the other day. There were only 2 left and I look good in it for once. It's black, but I think I'll wear it to Mass on Sunday. It has a 20's feel to it, so I'll have to find something to wear with it. I may add a ribbon or flower to it to make it more Springlike. We'll be going to St. Stanislaus Kostka for Polish Mass. It was our family's church for a very long time, but as we moved further out into the suburbs, it was out of the way. I prefer to go there, it's a neat place and if you're ever in Pittsburgh, you should check it out.

It took me almost 9 hours to get home. I kept stopping so I could move around. During one of my PA Tnpk stops, I managed to pop my hip out and fell getting out of the car. An elderly man came over to see if I was OK and helped me up. Sadly, this happens to me a lot. Aren't I supposed to be the one assisting the elderly? My most useful service is getting things from a high shelf. I'm sure they're going to miss that at work, too. Our microwaves are kind of high and I'm frequently called on to fix the spinny tray since I'm one of the few that can see it.

I wasn't really hurt by the fall. My car isn't very high off of the ground, so I didn't have far to go. It was still embarrassing. I got my coffee and continued my uneventful drive. I drove all the way with the top down on my car. My doctor would be furious, but I wanted to enjoy the weather before the allergens are in full force.

When I got to the house, my dad and aunt started interrogating me about why it took so long to get there. My dad will call me constantly while I'm travelling. I have GPS, but it doesn't have traffic on it, so this is pretty useful. I also get weather updates. He was annoyed because I had the top down and didn't pick up until the rest stop. They were waiting for me so we could run a few errands in the convertible. Dad loves to make me drive, even if I'm falling asleep, he'll make me drive. I think he just likes looking around. He loves the convertible, too.

Now we're just relaxing and I'm writing yet another rambling post.

I picked up a new book when I was out. Changeless by Gail Carriger, it's the second Parasol Protectorate book. Eventually, I'll get my reviews up. I've started them, but can't concentrate enough to write a good review.

Tomorrow I'll be meeting grocery store guy for coffee.